The Pound Police

There was nearly blood on the carpet at WeightWatchers yesterday. Before you can gain access to the inner sanctum (weighing, pep talk and the opportunity to purchaser ersatz 1.5 point Bounty bars) you have to get past two ladies of a certain age who are in very self-important charge of registration and payment. I duly approached Lady Number 1 and presented my weight card from which she, gimlet- eyed, immediately deduced that I had missed last week's session. "Yes, I know, I said sweetly. "I was in hospital". Eventually my record was found in the miscreants' pile and I passed on to Lady Number 2 who had, I was pretty sure, been listening to my exchange with Number 1. Number Two looked at my card and, more Lewis than Morse, immediately charged me with having missed last week's meeting. "I know, I replied evenly. "I was in hospital". I then received a lecture to the effect that any missed meeting must be paid for. "I know, I retorted briskly. "But I was in hospital". I was then informed that any elected absence must be pre-notified to the Course Leader so that "she can mark your card" to which I hissed from between clenched teeth, "I told the lady who was in your seat 2 weeks ago and she said it was OK if you were IN HOSPITAL." Sharp intake of breath from behind the tables. I was sorely tempted (but held myself in check as I need to continue this trial of patience for another 20lbs or so) to add that I might be a considerable number of years their junior but I won't be spoken to like a naughty schoolgirl or a felon bent on defrauding WeightWatchers of £5.50 ($11) and, if they persist in adopting this line of enquiry, then next week there could be a hospital visit of a very different complexion. Then I processed into the weighing room to receive the glad tidings that I had lost another 3lbs, bringing my total loss to date to 8 lbs over 4 weeks - neatly averaging out at the 2lbs per week prescribed by Brian.

I have just got round to reading the rest of the Sunday Times and note that Rachel Johnson herself was not very happy with her showing on last week's Question Time although she did try to push some of the blame on to Piers Morgan - and why not? Well, good, that makes two of us and perhaps now she will be content to confine herself to her column - and its obviously air-brushed photo.